It’s exhausting to be eternally vigilant. I’m ready at a moment’s notice to bark and run full throttle at anyone who might come to our door, and it’s totally unappreciated. Without me the door would be completely unguarded! Oh the excitement of a new person, if I could only manage a single jump and just graze my tongue on their face.

They always yell at me to stop, like I’m some cur. But I’m not, I’m a soft coated wheaten terrier. Is someone at the door? No? Sad.

I show them every day how excellent I’d be at killing small animals. I could shake a squirrel to death like you wouldn’t believe. How fun that would be! But they never take me. I’m certain that whenever the leave the house they chase after squirrels.

A distant 3rd place to jumping on people and hunting squirrels is taking a nap on the couch. I don’t even mind if the little girl plays with her toys on me. She always smells good, like peanut butter or chocolate.

One time I ate a full diaper, which was great fun. I didn’t understand what everyone was so upset about. Unrelated, I was seriously ill that same day. Nothing a rapid barfing wouldn’t fix.

The worst I ever barfed was that day I got to eat a pound of butter. Still not sure what was wrong with my stomach that day. Another funny coincidence!

Just hit the ol’ one – oh this year. Double digits. I think I’m supposed to be getting some kind of dog retirement benefits now. There don’t seem to be any diapers around any more for me to eat, so it doesn’t seem like I’ve come out ahead.

Here’s a list of cool stuff I’ve eaten, as a wheaten (ha!)

  • Wood
  • Wood chips / mulch (3 pounds!)
  • Wooden Balusters
  • Used condoms
  • Full diapers
  • Dirt
  • Winnie the pooh figurine
  • Tigger too
  • Cotton stuffing
  • Crayons
  • Markers
  • PB&J’s
  • Left over corn cobs
  • 6 cupcakes
  • Foil wrapped chocolate coins
  • Wedge of cheese
  • Half a loaf of bread
  • Like, a lot of chocolate
  • Stack of pancakes
  • Pound of butter
  • Plate of fresh cookies
  • Pizza being held by neighbor (summer cohen)
  • Sewing needles (not swallowed!)
  • A wooden train whistle
  • Shoes
  • Shoes
  • Sandals
  • Piece of cake
  • These chocolate cookies that were just sitting out waiting for me to eat them
  • Eeyore plastic figure
  • Some string?
  • Seat belt latch thing
  • Piano bench
  • Deviled eggs
  • Batteries
  • Turkey
  • ice cream
  • Legos
  • Shoes
  • One time, this stuff. Man, I dunno.
  • Love those trays and soft things that raw chicken comes on
  • misc trash

And of course, so much grass.

Many years ago, when I was but a pup, I crapped everywhere, and ate it all. Without any warning or for any reason whatsoever, I puked that up, so I got to eat that too. It’s amazing what science hasn’t got any explanation for yet. What a mysterious world.

Someone’s home! Woof! Rooo roo roooo.

Time for another nap.

2 thoughts on “Wheaten

    1. And instead of puking he often totally digested the diaper’s little beads that are meant to soak things up. When these beads get saturated they increase in size considerably, and each diaper had a gazillion of them, and were indiscriminately consumed. The next day he would look at me while going the bathroom with the most doggy look of “what’s going on???” I’ve ever seen, like he was strapped into some kind of ass-rocket that he didn’t sign up for. It was unpleasant for all concerned.

      He’s a good dog.

      Liked by 1 person

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